Tuesday, November 27, 2012

How to be Sick & Depressed

There are many opinions out there on how to be healthy. I haven't seen too many articles on how to be sick & depressed. So I'm taking it upon myself to fill that niche.

If you're into being sick, depressed (& looking haggard for that matter), here's the shortcut:

Eat as much processed food as you can. McDonald's, Burger King and KFC can easily help you out with affordable, super fast options. At the supermarket, look for foods in packages. If the ingredient lists are long and daunting, and contain buzzwords like "mechanically separated", "monosodium glutamate", "high fructose corn syrup", etc, you are on the right track. If you really want to play the apathetic card, don't even read the ingredients.

Avoid fruits & vegetables, or anything that looks like it may have been living in the ground or forest at some point. If you MUST eat them, select heavily sprayed conventional, genetically modified produce. We're going for sick and depressed here. Go hard, or go home. And don't even bother rinsing your produce. That's what happy people do.

Drink tap water. Or preferably, don't drink any water at all. Stick to soda pop and caffeinated energy drinks, exclusively. Don't worry about that burst of energy that comes from the caffeine/sugar combo. It won't last long. "I hate life" will always be around the corner with these drinks making their way down the hatch.

Note: If you notice that eating or drinking a certain food or drink makes you feel tired or "icky", keep eating it. This is exactly what we're going for here! It's hard to feel happy when you feel like shit. :)

Body care & household products
Whether you're using a moisturizer for your face or detergent to wash your clothes, choose conventional, non-organic, non-biodegradable product varieties. If you wish to read ingredients look for names that are reminiscent of something out of an advanced chemistry class.

Bonus, the creation and use of these types of products wreak havoc on the environment, so you can feel bad about that too. Depressing!!

Hate your job? Awesome. Do you have inspiring friends? Get rid of them. Do you spend time in nature? Stop it!! Do you give thanks for every little thing? Not recommended. Do you exercise? This might make you happier, so beware.  Your best friend for feeling your worst is the couch; make TV watching and video gaming a priority.

In short, that's how you can fast track your way to an uninspired, polluted life. It's also a great way to prematurely age yourself. So....if that's your thing, the blueprint is here. Enjoy!

Reminder that if you want to be Healthy, Happy and Radiant do not do any of the above. This is for sick & depressed people only.

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